More processing from Mexico...
I had a moment during one-on-one time with my mentor Leah Steele at the retreat in Mexico. A moment of SURRENDER. My first night in the villa where the retreat was held I was like "I don't WANT to do livestreams. I don't WANT clairaudience." And she asked me "well, what does that have to do with anything? The UNIVERSE does." NOT what I wanted to hear. (Which meant I was promptly saying every single swear word I know, plus some new ones I made up specifically for the purpose of cussing her out.) Fast forward to just hours before I popped on my flight back home. Where that question had percolated down to a moment me just going "oh. Well. I guess I'm doing the thing then." Not from a place of I "HAVE" to do anything. But just pure acceptance of the fact that it's simply my job to show up. And that's ALL I have to do is to show up. I was journaling this morning and I have a set thing that I do every day, which includes a gratitude list and affirmations. I was smack dab in the middle of affirmations when it felt like something else took over my pen. Here's what came out of the end of it: "I surrender it all. I surrender the worry [over the outcome]. I surrender my desires to the Divine and I simply commit to showing up and taking the inspired action no matter if I don't 'want' to do it...I commit FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD to following divine guidance. NO. MATTER. WHAT." How it has showed up is in me writing this vulnerable blog post. Crying on my livestream earlier this week. It meant letting my soul guide me and LISTENING to it...and then taking the action I was guided to do! AND IT'S SO SIMPLE. Not necessarily easy. But SIMPLE. I don't believe our minds are the devil. But I do believe that we're conditioned and encouraged to let the mind take a more dominant role in the mind-soul balance. And I believe that when we listen to our souls above all else, even when all logic is telling us otherwise, that we make better decisions. Looking back over the last couple of months, I realized I've seen this in action over, and over, and over again. And it's finally just clicked. All I have to do is show up. And... SURRENDER.
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It's been processing central over here.
I've never been so attached to my journal as I've been since I came back from Mexico. So many pieces are trying to come together all at once and sometimes it's overwhelming. I don't know that I'll necessarily be talking about those pieces coming together, but I KNOW you'll be seeing a difference in me! I tried a lot of different foods while on this trip. I never used to like guacamole, peppers or even certain fish. This might seem trivial, but this is actually kind of a big deal for me. I felt like I took the first steps to listening to my body's needs. I'd go so far as to say that when eating certain foods I could feel my body thanking me. Because I've struggled with keeping my body healthy all my life. I've been considered "obese" since middle school, and while my thoughts on the BMI have shifted, my joints are starting to feel the excess weight. Somewhere along the way, I bought into a SHIT TON of stories about the foods I like and don't like. Starting with some crazy beliefs like: "Only food that's bad for me tastes good." "I don't like vegetables. I'll TOLERATE x, y, z." "If I eat cake for dinner, I'm doing my body a favor by not consuming MORE calories of a meal." (This last one was really hard to put down in black and white. How ridiculous!) I've been doing so much work around my limiting beliefs around my gifts, money, and overall spiritual well-being that I wasn't even looking at where I was limiting myself in the physical department. So much opened up for me this past weekend. Plus I also figured out that I like margaritas. So, there's always that. But this is all just the tip of the iceberg [lettuce.] (Heh. See what I did there?) I just got back from a trip to Mexico (the picture to the left is actually the view from my room!) I expected a ton of work. And then a relaxing retreat afterwards. What I got was something completely different and unexpected. It was nothing short of MAGIC. I did a livestream today where I got very vulnerable. I cried. Because the upgrades I experienced and that are continuing to process through me are going to lead to some really big things. I can feel it. I realized that I had been getting so wrapped up in schedules and what I needed to do next. And I realized how badly I needed to disconnect from it all and reconnect with self and Mother Earth. My mind tried to tell me that I needed to put in longer hours. Do more. Stop slacking. My soul knew that I needed rest, rejuvenation and reconnection to all that truly matters. And therein lies the problem. We're taught to make our goals for whatever changes we'd like to make in our lives from a very head-driven place. We make resolutions that we fail at time and time again only to find that we either didn't truly desire to make that change or didn't look deep within to listen in. How is that working for you? What if you dared to do something different? What if you looked DEEP within for your next steps? What if you listened to your SOUL for a change? How would your life be different? I SWAM WITH DOLPHINS TODAY!
I got the opportunity to not only swim in the ocean, but swim with what I believe to be my spirit animals. After reconnecting to The Mother on the beaches of Sayulita, She gave me the gift of being able to get within reach of some of the most beautiful animals on the planet. The dolphin is associated with playfulness and joy. And I'm beyond thrilled that I got the opportunity to play again today! I'm currently in Mexico on a retreat for the Soul Alchemy program that I've been a part of since May. Because I'm the assistant to THE Leah Steele, the leader of this retreat, I came out a bit early to help. And what ended up happening was nothing short of magic.
I've been figuring out how all the parts of me fit together since I've gone through The Spiral. (For those of you who don't know, The Spiral is a modality that clears out your emotional baggage so that you can create new patterns around how you express your emotions.) The biggest difference is how much more grounded my joy feels. And it's funny because I kind of thought I just didn't have any joy anymore. I thought it was gone. Being on the beach in Mexico reminded me that I still know how to play. And the pictures and videos that were captured...I mean looking at those, I can't deny that I was truly feeling joyful from the inside out. And still am. It just no longer feels manic. It feels grounded. And the best part? It FILLS ME UP MORE. I launched my course "The Playshop" (because who wants to WORKshop? BLECH) smack dab in the middle of my Spiral journey. And because of all the shifts and changes that were happening so quickly, I freaked out and thought I no longer had any joy, and I stopped talking about it. NO. It needed to happen this way because I can teach it even BETTER than I could have before. The Playshop is a course to help you reconnect with your inner child and fully embrace yourself as a joyful being. So...do the thing. Click here to register and learn more information! I played at the beach yesterday.
I haven't played at the beach since I was six years old. I mean REALLY played. And I found myself going through the same process as when one of my parents took me there. The rule was I could only go in to my ankles. And of course I pushed the boundaries. Well, if I can go in up to my ankles, SURELY my knees wouldn't be that different etc, etc, etc. By this logic my adult self very quickly found herself chest-deep in the water yesterday. And I LOVED it. I've woken up today a little bit bruised and scratched from being pushed around by yesterday's waves, but I wouldn't trade away those "wounds" if it meant I couldn't have had that experience. It's my overall belief that adults need to play more. And the most common question I get when I tell my clients this is "HOW?!" Well if you have young kids, you have in-house role models. I definitely took my cue yesterday from my boss's four-year-old! Somewhere along the way this year, I got so bogged down by adulting that I'd forgotten how easy it actually is to JUST PLAY. This is the view that I woke up to today, and the view I will see for the next couple of days where I'll be living and working. I teared up because of how beautiful the view was. And also because underneath my appreciation for its beauty, I felt completely undeserving. I used to wallow in that feeling of not deserving. This time around I didn't stay in that feeling for very long, but it's definitely a place where work needs to be done. I stood out on the balcony again this afternoon, basking in the beauty of the view again. And I full-on cried at my gratitude for it. And it occurred to me that while this view is quite different from the concrete slab in the backyard of my current residence, that I could still gaze upon it with this level of gratitude. I'm not sure I've actually fully known what it's felt like to be fully grateful until today. And I get to feel it, and send the grateful energy out again and again. Whether it's for the ocean waves upon the shore or the concrete slab in the backyard. None of us needs to "do" anything to deserve the view I'm fortunate to gaze upon today and for the next few days. We're all worthy of our wildest dreams simply because we're all children of the Universe. We get to have what we desire simply because we DO. I had one of those magical moments while I was journaling today. So I write similar affirmations every single day. Something has shifted energetically, so even thought the words are largely the same, the energy behind them is different and more powerful.
I just said on a livestream yesterday that I don't like transitions and they're really a struggle point for me. We moved from a house we were settled in for three years, to a short term lease at an apartment, with the intent of this last move being the final move for awhile. The plan was to be settled for at least a year. But the moment I finally felt like I could breathe, were told that we wouldn't be able to stay that long. Not gonna lie. I'm a little bit freaked out about the next steps. Yet today in my journaling I still wrote the affirmation "the Universe is constantly conspiring in my favor. It's this or something better!" (May of us grow up with the phrase "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." The Universe phrase suits me better.) Together, Beth and I were able to process this in more flow than we'd ever been able to in the past. Rather than something to freak out about, how cool is it that we no longer have a lot of possessions tying us down that we're required to be rooted to one spot? That opens up THE ENTIRE WORLD for us! Whereas I've always had trouble dreaming big, the Universe has LITERALLY provided me with the opportunity to just sit, be, contemplate and meditate on what I truly DESIRE in a living space? Where do I desire to live? Because if it wasn't clear before, I truly CAN have all that I desire. All I know for certain is that whatever the next move is, it will be so in alignment it'll feel like it just fell in our laps. In the meantime, it's back to the drawing board. Er. Well. Back to the journal that is! I've always been all about the books. I'm of the opinion that if you stop learning, you stop living. I never want to stop learning. I don't understand people who say that they're bored because there are always more things to learn!
This picture of me is from my trip to the Azores with my cousin and aunt three years ago. They were laughing at me because apparently when I saw this teeny corner library, that was the most excited I got! Leave it to me to see the books over the beautiful architecture of the church across the street. (Of course, I couldn't read any of the books; they were all in Portuguese!) I grew up with books. They were my stability when things were less than stable with all the moving we did. They were my friends when children were cruel. And I think they did a lot for me to I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about how New Year/New Me is bullshit. I know this to be true, but I’m pretty sure that I still went into this year hoping that magically I’d be blessed with the habits I need to have in order to get the things I want this year and that it’d all just magically be easy.
I’ve seen this pattern all throughout my life. I made my first New Year’s resolution in the 2nd grade and was completely baffled as to why I was unable to see come to fruition. I made resolutions at the beginning of each school year, and would be confused as to why by the end of September, I’d ceased to be the perfectly organized student. I woke up on my 16th birthday disappointed that I suddenly hadn’t grown four inches and magically become blonde and blue-eyed (or at least somehow magically transformed into a LADY!) And honestly, I don’t remember learning how to set a SMART goal until I had to teach it when I became a middle school teacher! So I grew up believing not necessarily in the work that needs to happen to accomplish goals, but solely in the magic. Well, it’s the 9th day of the new year and I’m not a millionaire yet! What gives? I’ve known for awhile that I struggle with consistency, hence it has been chosen as my theme for the year. I do well for about a month practicing the habits I’ve been desiring to put into place and then I get impatient and fall off the map. This is a cycle that I’ve seen myself participate in over and over again, yet in the throes of it, I don’t realize that’s what’s happening (even with my partner pointing it out to me). I put myself out there, do that consistently for about two weeks, and then cycle back into hiding. It starts with the little things. I skipped meditation one day. I skipped journaling the last two days. And when I woke up yesterday morning, I realized I actually couldn’t remember when the last time I’d done my own Akashic Records work for myself; I was showing up for my clients, but NOT for myself! My soul knows that the more I show up consistently for myself, the better my overall health. My soul knows that the more consistently I show up for my business, the better my business will do. The more consistently I show up in my relationship, in my friendships, in my family life- you get the picture. I’m committing right now, in public, to CONSISTENTLY set up my schedule for the next day every evening to keep me accountable for all of the things that I need to do to show up everywhere I desire to show up. Consistency IS the thing I’m working on. Consistently. |
AuthorJoy Goddess. Imaginatrix. Writer. Akashic Records Reader. Teacher. Archives
May 2019
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